Approaching my thirties, it’s easy to reminisce on the physical things that have happened until now..you know those birthday parties at your parents house, your first pay check or mortgage application, bullies in high school to friends that you don’t speak to anymore. Events, moments, and people themselves that defined milestones in the realization that you exist as a singular in this world.
Me? Growing up with an extremely privilege upbringing...the physical stuff...didn’t really cut it. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like anything. Reminiscing the physical stuff..the things you earned, you made, you built...that served a function. Work can be anything, work can be the things we do or the things we create to fulfill some kind of purpose or function in order to make a living and make difference in this world.
The only shit I seem to reminisce about are the specific feelings, thoughts, and learnings of the connections I’ve made until now. #Deadlife and #Newlife post transition. The only shit that seems to matters to me. I’m so tired of reading these psychology studies on my facebook feed discussing how only sociopaths and narcissists stay in touch with their ex’s when I take pride in the things I write about. Don’t get me wrong I can have narcissistic tendencies and I see can value in sociopathic behaviour. If you’ve ever read anything I’ve done, you’d know I do value in expressing personal aspects of my life, anecdotal (and empirical) evidence, and this constant question of authenticity. Transparency.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve never believed love ends. It didn’t make sense to me that if two people stopped talking, used the words on a “break” meant you didn’t love each other anymore. For me it has always been a continuum, a point on a graph that keeps on going until a new point raises above the rest and by the end your life is just a collection of points. Not a collection of memories or moments but literal people with individual lives that came into yours and altered it. These people have individual minds, and bodies, and their own universe and perception of reality, families, hardships and pleasures that define their being.
But I hadn’t realized that love possibly never begins until after I transitioned, until after I realized I was non-binary. This is because after you realize that what you are attracted to shouldn’t really matter, what you identify as your gender shouldn’t really matter than...why should it matter who you love, how many you love...why should it matter if it ends. What does it mean to have commitments or responsibilities with someone?
This is where you might be scratching your head.
WHY SHOULD IT MATTER IF IT ENDS? WHY SHOULD IT MATTER IF MY “RELATIONSHIP” WILL END? This person is my everything, this person is my partner, this person loves me no matter what, this person and I have a family, what are you talking about?
Well it doesn’t. Because it’s just a choice isn’t it? A choice you made to keep engaging. Isn’t that just what love is? Love is more than words, it’s action. But very few people you know you want to be in action with all the time, let you see them naked, touch you for a couple hours, hold hands in public, have joint checking accounts with..
In every way, it makes sense to me that things FEEL as if they are ended but the moment you engage AGAIN...isn’t that un-ending it? Ya’ll know what I’m talking about...things don’t work about and then one day...maybe it’s a week, a month, a year...you get that DM...that text that says...
hey. how are you?
or worst..
I miss you.
Regardless of who ended it. I never have never thought one person has the ability to end a “relationship”. I think all connections or “relationships” are a two way street. One person can end it but the other party can fight for them, work it out, talk it out, and communicate what brought them to this point in the first place. Not to mention timing has a lot to do with whether someone is even in the mind set to date, or have “relationship”, a family, build a life together.
One of the biggest things I learned being attracted to, flirting with, and dating women or AFAB’S (Assigned Female At Birth) or those with female experience is that love is a negotiation...where individuals with testosterone who do have a higher sex drive may see love as more of a finite or a physical decision.
As someone who has had male privilege, but has struggling with gender their entire life...it’s been difficult navigating the logic and feelings that come with loving someone. Loving someone as an act and not an identity. I love you as verb and not a subject position.
Come on, so you meet someone on the street...you find each other attractive because you ask them out on a date and they say yes...you’re dating? In a “relationship”? Just like that? How is that possible? You don’t know each other.
After my longest “relationship” slowly stopped engaging with me I had realized...I never really wanted to feel love...I wanted to be understood. I rather feel understood than to feel adored, or admired because the act of understanding is within itself an act of love. People ask me, than what is understanding?
Understanding is asking question with someone and experiencing things with someone. For a long time, I thought if someone isn’t asking question they probably don’t really like me. I still struggle with this. I mean if you are telling me you have feelings for me without asking me questions...aren’t you just falling for my body? Well no...I think you can learn a lot about someone through the physical interactions. Not just the physical interactions of family life, but also the physical practices they endure on a daily basis such as writing, drawing, biking, eating, etc.
There are things that are unique to an individual transitioning and these things have nothing to do with transgender politics. These things have to do with binding, and tucking, and things trans people do on a daily basis in order for them to alleviate gender or body dysphoria. Transitioning can be considered a practice that not all transgender individuals endure but are things we do to make other people treat us differently, gender us differently. To not be misgendered. Ultimately the things we do that make others attracted to us and the fear of not ruining how others are perceiving our gender or attractiveness. For me that is truly stressful.
One could say, sex for some is more of a physical pleasurable act and for others it is a more of an emotional act. But what happens when you lack the emotional literacy to express or even be aware of what you and your mind actually want and how your body responds to the things you want.
This is a struggle.
If language is needed to help us identify who we are but also the issue...the fundamental problem of how “relationships” literally end and begin...how doesn’t temporality play a major factor in long lasting connections?
According to Wiki..”Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, “many, several”, and Latin amor, “love”) is the practice of or desire for intimate “relationships” with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners.[1][2] It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy”.”
Knowledge transparency has taught me how to be live authentically, in order for others to understand who I really am. The only way I can do that is to be honest about what I am thinking and feeling at any time and communicate it in a way that doesn’t imply anyone is at fault. But of course this is challenging for anyone to actually practices because my capitalist business side comes out and quotes Bob Proctor “Accountability: The glue that ties commitment to results”.
If someones feelings are hurt whether you know them very well or not, I’ve always felt is always appropriate to acknowledge, validate, and be accountable to that persons feelings and/or subject position. Why? Because I can never assume my experiences are the same as others. This is also a practice in empathy not sympathy.
Dr. Brene Brown would say “Rarely does a response make something better, what makes something better is connection”.
So what does all of this have to do with dating? Well..I’ve come to understand that...even if a “relationship” ends for a day, a week, a year...the minute you connect again...THAT...is progress.
Progress and transient thinking has been a focus in my writing for many months now because I’ve come to admire theorist such as Deleuze and Guattari. A Thousand Plateaus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia is a 1980 philosophy book who talks about Non-Linear Progression.
And when Dan Savage says...“Why isn’t making the sacrifice to be monogamous considered to be nobler than this myth of effortless monogamy that’s a result of love and passion?”
This sacrifice that (to me) is really the emotional and physical labour that goes into continuing engagement and negotiation with someone you find deeply attractive and understanding..REGARDLESS if you see or don’t see a future with this person.
This sacrifice is the choice we make everyday to keep engaging with people we love..REGARDLESS of whether you are fucking or not fucking this person.
I’m not one to discuss divorce or marriage because those are not or not yet my experiences but even a conversation between Sidra and Ben who have been married for 11 years on the youtube channel ‘The Skin Deep’ discuss how love for them is simply the choice they make every single day to keep love each other..regardless of the children they have together.
I have a really hard time dealing-with connection now because I am able to view it through this non-linear progression where my experiences are not defined by how we define our interactions with each other. By realizing it is possible to love and have sex with multiple people ironically monogamy takes on a new meaning. Monogamy no longer being an institution between two people but an action of building through emotional literacy and deteriorating a fear of commitment. Dating as an outdated concept but instead simply acknowledging progress between connection(s) Looking at monogamy as a verb and not a noun, looking at polyamory as not a concept but a philosophy. The truth is that the emotional and physical labour of traditional monogamy invents the myth of effortless attached love thabt can produce self sabotage and anxiety about the so called pre-determined future. The stress, struggle, and dealings I have are not in the experiences that come with accepting or practicing polyamory but simply my feelings of misunderstanding and projected assumptions.
Stressful, struggling, and dealing-with the fact that love is choice but that choice can only be determined by what you ultimately want, but you can’t know what you want until you meet someone who you don’t project your wants on to but instead see them for who they are and negotiate how connection will emotionally and physically transpire without expecting anything from them because un-attached love fuels sexual chemistry but you also acknowledge a foundation of platonic friendship is the key to long lasting “relationship” but you don’t define things as “relationships” because connections neither begin or end so in the end...
..you’re fucked.
Literally fucked with cum in your ass alone in your bed and you haven’t had an orgasm in a months and you can’t tell whether it’s the person’s fault or your fault or societies fault or biologies fault because you’re on a medication that is also given to sex offenders in the UK and a medication that makes your body experience emotions more intensely and love everyone around you because you’re transitioning and the only people that act on their attraction for me are cis-straight people who have no idea how much emotional and practical work that I’ve done in order to get to this point of my career, character, appearance and I sit and listen because I convince myself the only way for someone to fall in love with someone is to entirely accept that person for who they are and know they are never going to be anyone else while at the same time never comparing anyone to each other because everyone has their own individual struggles that is often unheard or misunderstood so all you can do is keep engaging and ask questions until they freak out because I vomit 27 years of emotional, gender, and creative baggage and statistics on them because all I’ve ever wanted is to be understood and accepted for the being that I am and they end up freaking out and overwhelmed simultaneously reminding them that at the same time I’m just a kid like you that grew up in a small town trying find their place in the world doing something creative...
I literally became desensitized to the idea that anyone will ever love me again after transitioning so you become content with never being in a rush to be in a “relationships” or build a life with someone ever again because you’ve been told by plenty of people in the past that they love you but misgender, abandon, ignore you after transitioning so you’re left with the burden and paranoia that love for most (assigned male at birth) is based on a basis of looks, appearance, and physicality questioning yourself whether anyone will ever love you for you and the only way for others to love you for you is to be yourself and this is me being myself and I’m exhausted tired of feeling like an object..
..stressed, struggling, and dealing-with
it.
ps. As you can see, polyamory for me is not defined by dating multiple people but instead the simultaneous feelings you have for the people around you who also accept you for your physical and emotional acts of honest transparency, understanding, temporality, and emotional literacy. “Relationship” as “Connection” and “Dating” as “Progress”.
How can I be in a “relationship” if I don’t even know what that means to me? What if a monogamous “relationship” doesn’t even apply to the way I think about the world? True love means you don’t want to love or fuck other people? How do we prevent ourselves from just falling in love with the idea of someone? or the body of someone?
If a true successful sustained connection is really just engaging until death...why is everyone in a rush settle down?